12:51 am - Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2002

-

In all this sleepy wandering,in my isolation, and trying to be invisible and not found- I have been trying to do what my parents have done, and pretend that I am not really here- that I dont exist, that anything I do or feel isnt real, or valid- that I have been worthless. I have lived this life in a haze, always making the wrong decisions, taking the wrong road-not trusting in the freedom and choices I could make which be the best for me, since I never believed I was really here, or worth anything good.

I am going to try and change that. I am going to stop trying to be invisible. I am here, and I will try to live now.

4:04 am - Monday, Oct. 21, 2002

feeling quiet

this world will be shaken by a whisper

The soft sound of guitars, whispering to me hope again

I just got home from being with Josie (again) tonight....what the hell am I doing. It is ALwAYS a relief when I have to say good night.

I think I just need someone small enough to make me feel strong, and that person to be strong enough to make me feel soft.I really don't think I am asking for too much...well, maybe, since I am asking for the world in one person. I don't care, I know it could happen.She's out there

"...Do you know Your words could drag the moon down from the sky Seduce my frozen heart with your war cry You really made me listen for my voice And I heard millions..."

"whisper" Slovo

12:57 am - Thursday, Oct. 17, 2002

I am feeling...optimistic,maybe? hopefully?

my american dream

So, I fell, so I got wasted and fell, and flipped out on someone I really don't want to be with.So what that I have got a bruise the size of Texas on my bottom ( which is about the size of Louisiana). So, I tried to date again, so it didnt work out. Why put myself through this again?!?

I am determined to get myself back together. I already feel good since I didnt go out after work, and I even had an opportunity to "party"- the issue thats been heaviest on my mind, in the last couple of weeks. I want it so bad...and yet, I dont want to let myself down again, anymore. I cant start to think about never doing it again, or else I will be running for the door before the bar closes...I just know I don't want it tonight. I don't want to get jacked up, talk about nothing,do some shots to ease the high, do some more , end up at some scary after hours , and wake up with a stuffy nose, and more shame. I just don't need that right now, and its all so predictable. At least this way, with me home and safe, with a glass of wine, and a laptop- I still have my spontanaiety,( one of the qualities I am so proud of). The worst I can do- is bid on a "rare" Hall and Oates 45 on ebay, on stupid impulse tonight (oops , too late!!!)

I love her name,she doesn't smoke, I love that she's hispanic,-she seems clever and smart, cool, experienced, and she has good credit- but it's still not near enough, I only remember what doesnt fit.God damn it

On the bus to work today, I found myself wanting more "normal" things again. I was watching a mom ( around my age) with her 2 children, picking out pumpkins for Halloween.Taking pictures, laughing and hugging. God damn, how freaking corny, and ... I want that!!!I want that fun, simple, clean goodness ( not trying to be corny and so thirty something- ish, but I want the things it seems everyone, in the "normal scheme of life"has and gets. My life has been so messed up for so long, and then I even tried to even pretend I liked the chaos...but it hasnt freed me to pursue and put all my good energy into what it should have. I want to be free, to do that now. I want to feel safe and protected, and loved - so I can really do what I was supposed to do.

"I just want to be loved, is that so wrong"

Please don't let me sound like that...cause I kind of already. But I really dont think I want much. If I had the chance to really be anything, all I would really desire, is the chance to be a little more like everyone else-

have a normal family I could spend holidays with, go to college, get married ( to a FO-INE lady), have 3.5 kids, and have a great career. Pretty boring I know, pretty lame. Oh well...I just know all this frustration has got to be leading towards something BIG,it just has to be. There are too many sweet songs and moments that keep finding there way back to me, not to be more...

pharcyde

12:23 am - Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2002

the feeling of defeat

"...Well a long night turns into a couple long years

Of me walkin' around, around this trail of tears

Where the very loud voices of my own fears

Is ringin' and ringin' in my ears

It says that love is long gone

Every move I make is all wrong..."

I left work tonight after watching the end of the game, walked alongside the crowds of people,all of us walking, with heads down in a gloom. I am sad there is no reason to celebrate, and I am so sick of myself right now.I woke up ashamed and embarassed this morning, praying that the things that happened last night really didnt happen...but god damn it , they did.

I cant really put my finger on it, and figure out why this thing isnt going to work out. I just have to quiet my thoughts and accept it.Why do I do this to myself? Why cant just feel good about letting it go?Maybe I am just trying to find another reason to hate myself.

Yes I flaked out again, another person in this universe, thinks I am a total flake, a creep, a very confused individual- I will admit to the last part.I dont know why I keep lying to myself that the alcohol will make it all easier, that I could just pretend to not have it matter, or have it be the nothing it really is. Why do I keep drinking to drown out my true feelings of discomfort and or fear.

Am I shallow? Am I am asshole- is that what makes me feel so bad? Or do I feel awful for pushing so hard for something I know isnt right for me? So then, why the regret, too? I want so bad to stop feeling so alone and so isolated. But when I am arond her something feels wrong, too. Then I begin to panic that the problem is all really me.And then I wonder what in the hell can I do? All I want, is someone to bring out the best of me again...which she does not.Is it her, this situation, or just always me? Everything in my life is so unclear and so confusing right now- I guess I just wanted some feelings for someone else to make it easier. I wanted to feel happy and excited about everything again. I want to know I can love someone again, and maybe even be good at it. Will that chance ever happen? Is there a chance I may not fuck it up? I don't want to feel this bad anymore

"...its hard when to know when to give up the fight,

some things you want will just never be right

its never rained as hard before..."

patty griffin, dar williams

1:26 am - Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002

done here

I am about to just be done with these dumb ass entries and be done with diaryland...went out to Neo, the other night and danced to songs I haven't heard in more than 10 years. I was drunk, but I just danced and danced- happy to hear Morrissey, Cocteau Twins, Depeche Mode, amd Roxy Music. I looked up at the disco balls and lights, and as I was panting and singing along happily- I felt like I was 15 again. Haven't felt so free...well, since I was 15, and I wish there was a way to bottle up the hope and promises I could live and do at the moment. I even had the chance to kiss someone again, and be happy in that moment. Trying to not miss human contact, trying to not settle for less than what I want ( another damaged girl with control issues, that I could happily settle for, just to pass the time). I don�t want all these thoughts public anymore (blog),- it only makes me feel self conscious and like my impulsive feelings are futile and �sophomoric� there has to be a sign that i am moving on I am longing to understand what the hell this all could mean want to be more drunk, but this wine only makes me dizzy- like I�m on some spinny ride, and I just want to stop the nausea that comes. I want to be more fucked up, in my head, I want my vision to be slanted, I want x, or coke, and I am barely hanging on, and it's terrible because I like the struggle to stay clean ,too-how sick. I want to lease this restaurant in Key West, I want to get away , I want to feel warm sunshine, taste how salty the ocean is- feel far away and different, and like the world is open and challenging. I want to cry,I don�t want to feel so damn lonely anymore, and so goddamn disappointed. Mystery of life Buried in the sand Moving finger write I am longing to understand Driving away the dark Uncertainty A shooting star Can go so far It�s where I want to be Open your eyes Day for night Look what you done to me Open you heart Stay tonight No woman could mean So much to me Mystery of love Do you see The light of the day now? Hidden by a veil Are the ways Of a cheating heart Wish I could change your mind The restless sea A shooting star Can go so far It�s where I want to be

listening to Bryan Ferry Bete Noire, and Wilco "lonely one"

3:42 am - Monday, Sept. 08, 2003

...take a couple baby steps forward, take a bunch of big steps back...

Let's pretend, just for a second,that it's 2000 again,and I am not a TOTAL chicken shit, or totally bitter, and not snort another year away, hiding in my partying.Maybe you can get lost in this city where I dont have to ever run into you again ...

Dwele Find a Way

"...I wouldn' have let you go

I swear I would have made this love grow

I spent a lot of time and a lot of dough

Trying to match what we had and now I...

I was hopin' we could find a way

To have what we had again today

Though it's been some time since you and I

It wouldn't hurt to try, to find our love

I've been through my share of love since then

Don't know about what you've been through

But nothing compares to what we had

All I know is I need you back

Baby, let's try again to find our love.

I can't forget, the times we shared

Didn't know love until love was gone

Til' I moved on and now I'm right back to square one again..." I will call out to the universe, for something that brings out the best of me again, and that it sticks somehow

Dwele Find a Way

3:53 am - Saturday, Sept. 06, 2003

feeling propelled by all the "signs" around me

in my "real time"

...Angels falling through my hands

I won't need them to follow...

Woke up rested and surprised at how content I felt.Laid in bed, comforted by the cool sheets, surprised by the peaceful mood I was in and then realized why when the cramps started full force (mmmm... that's why)

Left to go see my stylist, (she 's got redhair now,)that accent, those blazing blue eyes.She massages my head, aware of the way she touches me. and I tried not to look at the chain around her tan flat belly. I wanted to kiss her navel.

Went to work and ran into Anna Lynn for the 4th time in my "career", and she kept saying how it was a "sign" and how we all have our truths to be told, our dreams to be explained to the world.

I kept thinking about what she said when I ate sushi by myself at 12:30 a.m. and watched LOTR in the kareoke bar, (maybe had too much sake, too).

Walked home, felt the cool fall air, and looked up at the blue night sky-hundreds of tiny white pillows breezing past- just another roadsign pointing me in the right direction, giving me the simple destiny for me to be happy today.

"...angel falling through my head

I want them to be there tomorrow..."

Wax poetic featuring Norah Jones "Angels", Bent "beautiful otherness"

4:08 am - Wednesday, Sept. 03, 2003

started off bad,&then a happy ending (surprise/sunrise)

"...Easy, ready, willing,overtime- Where does it stop? When do you dare me to draw the line?"

I am going to be grateful that my stupid ass ugly drunk roommate locked herself in her bedroom and is playing her bad country music (shania twain ballads), and I can only hear if it I really listen, ( which thank god I am not trying to hear). I am going to play my music, and deal with my mixed feelings of disenchantment...

I first started really listening to music, when I was a kid. All my hurt, lost feelings I would put into the songs I heard on the radio. Whenever my dad would beat me or my mother up, or when my mother would treat me like garbage for bringing all the miseries into her life, I would listen to the songs on the radio, especially the sad ones, and imagine me in some kind of fairy tale later, where I would be the one leaving, or breaking up, or the one disenchanted, and with a change of heart, doing all the hurt.It's funny how I listen to some of these songs tonight, and know that I am the only one who feels like she still has been left behind, despite my fantasies and dreams before.I guess tonight I am disillusioned just because I am not wishing to be a villian, and definitely not the one to get hurt. I just want something to work out. I want to try, I want it to be easy, and challenging for us both, and I want to see myself fight for something good. I guess I want the happy ending.

It's funny, how just months ago, I wished for other things -stuff I thought could help me out financially.And it almost went through,change in tax forms and address and everything, but then this dufus wanted to treat my life like it was up for bargaining with, and even if I regretfully see what bills I could have paid off, from the compensation- I am sooooo glad that it didn't happen. I am so used to being on my own, doing everything on my own terms- that I am glad to be rid of the hassle.Unlike before, or like the morons I have met recently,I will try to conquer these hardships on my own, and not whine, bitch, or scam my way out of it.I am just going to be more careful for what I wish for.

So what am I saying? I don't know.

Money isn't everything, (I would love more in my life, but from certain examples, I see how it definitely doesn't build character)

Sentimality is stupid and only for drunks? (too late, maybe its part of being tragically Filipino)

Love will save the day? (I hope)

Maybe just some more self belief can get me through these trying times. The harder it gets, the more I surprise myself anyway. Yay Marlita tonight.

Yeah, I think I am going to be a'ight

"...Wandering through life will love come home to you And the love you want forever, will they be true to you We sleep and sometimes love until the moon shines Maybe the next time I�ll be yours and maybe you�ll be mine..."

My dreams last night:about getting a tat,&all the idiots i know laughing,since I'm scaredof thepain

Sunrise/simply red, i cant go for that ( say no go)/hall and oates

11:42 pm - Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003

matter of taste...or just being young and stupid

I keep looking out the window tonight,craning my sore neck, trying to get a glimpse of Mars tonight...so futile, since I never even see stars in the sky, when I am here in the city.I will waste time and work on these starnge reflections going on in my head, and try to look again in a couple of hours, or until 2217, when Mars gets this close again.

Beyond Miss Piggy: I am still walking down memory lane, I guess (with no suicidal thoughts of downing 7-up with pop rocks), and I just felt like having you all ( all 1 of you, maybe) laugh with me about my earliest crushes:

Bert, (from Sesame Street fame). I just loved him when I was a kid, and I am not trying to be a h ater or somethin but, damn Ernie was such a dufus sometimes. He was always whining,or doing something to annoy my poor beloved Bert. I was sooo jealous of his princess smiley ass. I wanted to be Bert's LOVAH("roommate") I know he was anal,( bottlecap collection and pigeon love and all)...okay , so he was a geek!!!But those eyebrows, man!!!Maybe that is why I STILL have a thing for unibrows!!!

Dorothy Hamil ( the iceskater)- I had her haircut, but it wasn't enough.

Olivia Newton John. Oh my god, I fell in crush, when I saw Grease. I must have been 7, and I just loved how sweet, and gentle she seemed- and then she ruined it for me when she got all trampy in the end- with the cigarette, spiked heels, and leather pants ( which she later used for her next album entitled "Totally Hot").She redeemed herself,a couple years later, when she chopped off all her blonde bubble headed locks, looked "aerobic"(80's look of leg warmers, leotards, and cut up sweatshirts) and came out with "Physical"-where I fell for her again.Still sexy, but more subtle ( the ways I like it)

Sheena Easton. I loved how she sounded like Barbara, but was this cute little short spiked haired girl from Scotland.

(She, too like Olivia, lost me later on in her career when she , too became a harlot after working with Prince, e.g."Sugarwalls". I am like, why buy the cow...(you know the rest)

John Oates ( the moustached half of Hall and Oates, otherwise known as "the short one") Yeah, I know- what the hell was I thinking?!? I was 11, and I guess I just went too far, when I was rooting for the underdog.

All 4 of Duran Duran ( Nick Rhodes was too queer looking for me)

Gina Schock ( drummer of the Go-Go's)

This is probably when I developed my taste for short to middle length hair on women. Looking back now, she realy wasn't the best drummer (not even coming close to Sheila E.), since she was always counting out in every performance- but she was the reason why I begged my dad to buy me my first drum set, and took lessons. She is the reason, why I still always tap my hands and foot to every song that I love.

Madonna...for only the first 2 albums. I fell in love with her, I remember when I saw the "Lucky Star" video for the first time.She was so young , and strong looking- she could dance and she was from Detroit.I was 12/13, and my hormones were-a-racing, and even if she wasn't as scandalous as she later would be, I knew she was sexy.

Jessica Lange (actress) I remember seeing "Tootsie", and I just fell in love with her character ( so soft,gentle, sweet), and then I saw "Frances" ( both movies made her nominated for 2 academy awards that year), and then I fell in love with her. She was so smart, talented, experienced, Midwestern- all those things made her so beautiful to me . I was obsessed, I was so jealous of Baryshnkiov (her beau and baby daddy at the time)...which also made me realize I was gay, and I hit the jackpot since I would be going to an all girls school later in the year.

I stopped "admiring" her when she started her relationship with Sam Shepard, and started to age badly.

I have had thousands of crushes since then. I just hope, that my taste keeps getting better, or that the crushes are shorter.I hope there are some prettier roads ahead. Except for the long hair and the whole snout "thing", Miss Piggy was a hottie, wasn't she?!?

"Private Eyes" and The Best of Hall and Oates

5:54 am - Monday, Aug. 25, 2003

I am feeling contemplative and aware

this woman's work

I still cannot sleep, which is totally hilarious since, just 2 weeks ago, I was already at work at this time, ( thank god that nightmare is over)

I registered with classmates.com and I am in a state of panic about my past...but I feel it may be better for me overall ,if old classmates have something to work with if they decide to reach me. I feel like I just took another step towards being a grown up, by being accesible ,(something that still chills me to the bone).

I started this blog right after Cheryll's funeral, just to have an open forum for me to write out my feelings, and to use all this stream of consciousness,as a way for me to open me up for my other writing pursuits- and it's ironic how I haven't even mentioned Cheryll before, haven't even talked about that situation yet...

okay, I don't know if I am ready to now,but I do feel guilty about it still.I feel sadness for the family, for her mom, for Kris, for Noel, for Lori, for Paula. Everyone that is involved- it breaks my heart to pieces. I feel guilty that life has gone on, and the sadness around the situation seems like its faded. I am bothered that when I do think of her, I still don't believe that she is really gone. I wish I had been more tolerant and understanding, and a better friend- I wish SHE knew that everything was going to work out, cause it always does.I am ashamed that I ever believed suicide was an answer, and that getting so fucked up until you couldn't see straight and you were so far from yourself was really where you had to be in order to escape all the pain.

My life is still so troubled and filled with ups and downs and all colors, but I am grateful now ( most of the time anyway) to keep struggling through each minute, believing that it will all somehow work its way out in the end. I wish I could have shown her that.

Maybe that's why I am trying, in my small ways, (like classmates.com), to be like "normal people", and not hide anymore, from the things that trouble me. I am trying so hard to not be so frightened of the things that hurt me, make myself known to the world, face up to all my fears, be tougher, try to stay strong, and have belief in some higher power or something , anything to just get through...because this is what it's all supposed to be about , right? This is how it can only get better, maybe? If I lasted this long, through all the hideously stupid things I have done, maybe there is some kind of hope or redemption for me yet.

Wherever Cheryll is now, ( and I have to /will believe that it is in a happier place), I hope she knows how much we miss her, and hate her for leaving this fucked up place too soon- before she could show anyone how strong she really was.I hope I am not too stupid (and have lost too many brain cells already) to learn some lessons through this.I wish I just didn't have to learn like this.

this woman's work- kate bush/maxwell

2:26 am - Monday, Aug. 25, 2003

mood I am in- contemptuous, angry, and still lustful..for more life

the itch

Maybe being back on my home turf, brought about all that teenage, angry angst back

"..I want it

I saw it first

I want it worse..."

I got some "scream therapy" and mindfullness today - went on some roller coasters, where I flew on my belly , like superman, and then I dropped from the sky holding my arms up happily in the air- grateful for the release, for the adrenaline rush, for the freedom to let go.I wish I could do this at last once a week,( or at least once a month, when my pms starts to kick in).

I have been so stressed out, so worked up about every little detail that I've been feelin like a cartoon character- with the a temperature gauge next to my head, hitting the top, getting redder and redder, just ready to blow.

I am off for the next 2 days- so either I am going to plan for the next big thang coming up, or I am going to work on getting laid ( as crude and as simple as that).I really don't care how it sounds since I really need to work out all this tension, somehow, and in some way.I have been so angry, and just so sick of everything.Maybe it is just a sex thing.I know I have a physical need,to let out this aggravating aggression I feel. Casual sex is no longer fun for me, but it sounds like it could be worth my while and it could be something close to a hell of a time, for me and all parties included.

Or maybe I will just try to start working out again, and punch a wall.I just know I am not going to go out and get wasted or eat like a pig, to swallow and quiet down these feelings.

I remember "GLUTTONY" being one of the 7 deadly sins- I need to stop putting myself in situations, centered around eating...another old Filipino habit of mine, besides romanticizing (overdramatizing) everything. Got to stop thinking of my life is some old sappy way.

I am starting to agree with Bill Maher when he said that our society has become too "feminized". I am all for equality of the sexes, but our social beliefs have made us more sensitive, instead of logical. We are guided towards understanding, versus the truth.I see it in my friends, when they choose to see the "beautiful", more romantical side of things,making it beloved and being so blind to what is really factual.It makes me laugh now at how horribly sad that is- like sleeping with one eye open.To think you have gained wisdom, when all you're totally ignorant. To just keep bitching and let life just keep passing you by, as you drink another drink, eat another donut,"couch" around cause you're afraid to go out,poor me, poor you, was all she said...so sick of it all, in me and in others.

I like being this wrathful, it keeps me active, it makes me want to change my patterns. I just want more for and from my life than being pathetic.

"...So maybe i didn't see it first but i'm the one who wants it worse

I don't even know what i'm wantin' yet but i know i'm wantin' somethin'

I don't even know what i'm missin' yet but i know i'm missin' somethin'..."

"The Scratch" 7 year bitch

1:53 am - Saturday, Aug. 23, 2003

I am feeling stressed and pissed and just all around pms-y

-

who said money doesn'T make you happy?

I am stressing because I have got a whole life changing decision to make , in order just to pay off bills, since I never had moneys to start with.

I am just being a little bitter bitch tonight, since I am sick to death of working for every goddamn dollar I make , just to pay off one I already owe.Yeah, it gets really ugly here in the real world- where we have to fight tooth and nail just to eat every day. I wish I had a chance to just leave and start all over again, I wish I had a different life, for that matter.I wish I had preparation, and support, and NOT this fucked up "poor man's" view of the world. I wish life were simpler. It's hard for me to try and be sympathetic right now to anyone else...

and I even feel bad for that, too.

I don't want to hear any noise right now

1:28 am - Thursday, Aug. 21, 2003

so braindead, and full of new information..need wine

second day to deal with "all of this"

Just got home from training. I am feeling a little overstressed with this new job, and new role in life. I wish I had a lover, or something to destress with. I need to go to bed, and tyr to relax my mind tonight, so I can be more productive tomorrow

no music tonight, got enough in my head

1:38 am - Saturday, Aug. 16, 2003

I am feeling satisFOYED...I am not even going to think about when it will end, I will enjoy it now for what's it worth...

I am so okay, I shouldn't be gay...(hahaha)

I LOVE THAT MAN!!! ( what timing- since I better get used to saying that) "...it's my mother's lipstick print on the side of my face. It's my father's goodnight before I had my first taste. It's like comfort, it's like food, It's like love, baby are you in the mood? It's on an island, or in the ear- It's that explosive thing that gets you Kiss, kiss, kiss do you know how to kiss, kiss, kiss something like this, this, this Let me show you how to kiss kiss kiss..." I just came home from Hydrate , and I know I have a crush on an old friend named Tim Long. He's lost weight, he's got blonde hair done in a mohawk, he is a fashion designer/server at MIA fRANCESCA, He's psychotic( supossedly as a gay boyfriend)...but the boy can dance.And he is not as flaming as he sounds or could be. I saw him tonight, and for the second time, I pretended not to see him and say hi,just because enough time has passed where it wouldn't be comfortable.But the boy was drunk and he got down and he was so adorable. When I saw him start to move, I started to, too. And I loved it, b/c he really started to let himself go, and as I watched him, I started to...and that's why I have a crush on him, becauSe I let myself go. I stopped dancing in the usual gay way,when I am so bored and don't even know what I am doing and then wonder why I don't like to dance anymore, and just felt the beat like he was, and then I just started to jam. I felt good, I kept moving and just danced, like I used to, like I loved to- for the first time in a long while- he was my inspiration, can I hire him out?!?

I have been happy for the last couple of days, which is why I probably why I landed this new job today. I have been happy for reasons I cannot discuss on this web page, but I will say that I will have a chance at a new beginning, a new chance to restart my life, ( the way I should have done it), and I feel lucky and appreciative that I get to do it all over again. let's hope I put it all to good use. I think I will, I don't think I have it in me anymore to fuck it up. I am a good person, I deserve some goodness now.let's see, we will see....

"KISS, KISS, KISS"Ananda Project (and if I don't play it for you, tell me to, cause it is the greatest song EVER)

11:11 pm - Monday, Aug. 11, 2003

I am feeling bloated, lethargic, and restless

maybe it's all the hormones they put in the meat...

uGH...God, I feel like becoming a vegetarian, and never eating meat again.I just came home from this Brazilian steakhouse,where these "gauchos" keep coming at you, with meat, meat, and more meat. It's really a sad concept, when you realize that there are so many poor people in Brazil and the rest of the world, and you are totally being a glutton. They should think of adding a vomitorium next door- I wish I were bullemic. My only redemption, is that I don't know when I will be able to eat so much again,( still not having a new job and all). I can live off all this extra fat for a while...

I know I have only been unemployed for 2 days, but I am afraid I am going to fall into a state of panic soon.I keep looking at the clock,rummaging in my purse, locking the door and then coming back in again- keep feelin like I have forgotten something, or that something's missing. It's totally ironic that up to now I had thought that I hated commitments, responsibility, plans, predictability- and now, I see how orderly I do like things to be. I do like some routine in my life. I am too much of a hyperspaz to not need a some kind of schedule.It's too dangerous for me to have to not have any structure-too much time to think and freak out.Now that I don't party anymore, I really appreciate the morSe mundane things in life. I like working Mon-Fri, going out on Friday, doing laundry and cleaning on Sunday.("Our little girl is growing up") So, what the hell am I gonna do? I wish I didn't have to wait tables or bartend any more. I would actually like to do something more laborious-some kind of job, where I would wake up early,come home with sore muscles, and sleep deep...something like my last job, but with like,real money,(son of a bitch place), and some job where I could get dirty at. I wish I knew how to work on cars, or "work on" anything, ( damn me for not knowing how to drywall!!!) I guess Im just feeling like working out my frustrations now. I keep thinking if I could reallyfeel the sweat of a hard day's work, I could also feel how real everything else was, too, and just enjoy the other stuff more. I don't know if I make sense, but that is what I want now, to just keep working hard, to feel stronger...maybe I will just sign up for those boxing classes already.

Trentemoller "Le Champagne", Chicken Lips "master jammin"

1:54 am - Sunday, Aug. 10, 2003

"Don't build your world around volcanoes that will melt you down..."

I just walked in the door and the damn fucking chihuahua is giving me a headache with its incessant barking and constant yapping. I am freaked out about not having another job lined up for me to hate and earn a living from.I am aleady sick of being broke and not free to do what I want, whenever I want to do it.I am feeing desperate, dismayed, and depressed, and I need to maintain, just so I can get something else to cling onto. I am sick of being alone, I am sick of living this disgusting life tonight. I want to sleep for days at a time, until I am ready to handle this bullshit again, or win lotto.

"Volcano" by Damien Rice

9:59 pm - Monday, Aug. 04, 2003

feeling a little disgusted today

about my roommate's drinking problem...

Last night, when she came home from work, I heard her tell someone on the phone, that she would meet them soon, in about 15 mins.It was 9:30 in the evening, which means she was going out to a bar, that she was meeting someone out for drinks-I could already predict what it was going to be like when she got home, and I could foresee what today would be like too-

And when I woke up for work, and I came out to every light in the house on, and cigarettes overflowing in the ashtray, and on the floor, I was right. At least I didn't wake up to her usual blaring of bad music at 2 am during her drunken stupor, or her passed out on the kitchen floor.At least, I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night, to open the door and let her in, because she's lost her keys.I didn't have to find her sitting in the dark in the kitchen with her feet on the counter ( yuk) or go into the bathroom after her, and pick up her toilet paper when she missed the toilet.Or I didn't have her come at me,wanting to talk with eyes crossed and words slurring sloppily out of her mouth, as she leaned against the wall,sliding down. And now,only 24 hours later, from when she first left, she's in her bedroom, and I can smell this acidic sourness from her room and more cigarette smoke, because she's probably drunk again, has been drunk all day.At least I didn't really have to deal with it today.

This is what it's always like when she has a day off.This is what she always does. I have been living with her for almost a year now, and this is her routine whenever she has free time, and it's starting to happen regularly, at least once a week.

Far be it of me to be judgemental, since I am in my own state of recovery from drugs.And I know I still have my own issues with liquor, but watching her has definitely made me more watchful of my own consumption- I have not gone out drinking as much, and I don't run as quickly to the bottle for relaxation, reward, or relief.That much I am aware of now, and I am grateful for- but this awareness is also out of disgust, pity, and fear for her own situation. I am ashamed to admit, that I am starting to wish, whenever she leaves to go out drinking, that she gets pulled over on her way home- that she gets busted for DUI (again),and hauled into jail, since it angers me that so much that if she can barely walk,she has no fucking business driving a car- and she could really hurt someone, or herself...fuck her,(I am not going to play nice here, cause this is beginning to enrage me)If she wants to kill herself in this bullshit, half ass cowardly way, she can go right ahead-just don't risk hurting anyone else's life as well. It just really angers me to see a grown woman, older than myself, who should know better, and doesn't want to, too dumb to see what she needs to do to fix her life.

I just wanted to vent, I think.Her situation is just sad. I don't like being around someone like this, or ever be like that.I can't say, that could never be me, but I will try to stay aware.Maybe that's what this experience is supposed to be teaching me. God, I do hope she chooses a better way, before something really bad happens.

"Honey and The Moon" ,and the entire cd-Redemption's Son by Joseph Arthur

6:03 pm - Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003

today I am feeling very reflective

"hope is a waking dream"

I was looking back at my past entries, and I am thinking a lot about what I have written so far. I saw the movie "The Good Girl" earlier this afternoon, and I know how dead life can feel. I sure have spent a lot of time writing about "love", and as much as I would "love" a fairy tale ending or beginning, to jumpstart this boring life of mine, I can see how dangerous and wrong a wish like that is. It's so silly how immature I can be, thinking that a romance may be what I need to give me hope, bring me a new life. I also forgot how unhappy I can be , or have been in relationships b/c of the things I never got to do, or never got to accomplish. I have got to get my stuff together. I have got to take care of what still needs to get done. I am going to start by planning a vacation soon.I need to travel,get some perspective,far away from everything , and just enjoy something else for a little bit. Feel alive, feel real again...

I remember when I was a kid, and me and my parents would take a long road trip for 3 weeks every Summer. We would go up to see my cousins in Montreal, but take a different way each time, just to see something different. Even though both my parents have been bastards to me, there would always be those moments on the trip, where the sky was bright blue,or the sunsets in the from the west would be swirls ofpurple, pink, red, and orange swimming into darkness, and we would just keep driving,keep moving, and I would feel free and at peace. I could feel all my dreams in my heart, and know they were so close, as long as we stayed in motion.

I have got to stay in motion,keep going- I have got to find my rainbow's end,cause I have to believe there is so much more than this.

sergio mendez, "far away" Kindred, "dream on dreamer" Brand New Heavies

11:29 pm - Saturday, Aug. 02, 2003

I am feeling selfconscious, insecure, and just all around crappy

if i had a volleyball for every time...

God damn this, I know it's been almost 4 years, I KNOW it's time to get over it already... I was going to meet Val at Hollywood Beach, and then at the last minute, it didn't work out since I was craving filipino comfort food.It turned out to be a "good thing", probably since she told me Nita was there, playing volleyball, in a bikini.I didn't even have to see her to become inflamed with anger...I don't remember the first time I saw Nita, what year, or what bar.I just rememeber knowing who she was, and what she looked like. I never thought she was ugly, but I never thought she was close to pretty- she has just always been there, some woman,this lesbian who always looked the same, and I never noticed what she wore, or who she hung out with, since she was just so plain and non descript- and the only reason why I even noticed her in the first place was b/c she always looked Asian, and that is about it.I am sooo Filipino looking, so I can't help but to spot out anynyone Asian in the crowd, ( due to my old conditioning of sizing other Asians up). I never thought she was much, I never thought I would be affected by her now.And I don't know if it's good that she is friends with a gfirend of my good friend. I don't know if its better that I get to here about how boring and bland she really is, or if it would be better for me to imagine what she could be like.Either way I am stuck thinking about her.Believe me, I have better things to do than to think about her dumb ass, this Mary Lou Retton butch 80's throwback- that 80's heavy long bob, and those clothes- My god!!!She went out to this party I was at , and was wearing a sleeveless shirt, with the sleeves that looked like they had literally been torn off, and we kept calling her "the hulk/bruce banner" all night, tucked into her tapered jeans, that she was wearing with some Payless looking boots.God damn, she was so dated looking, what the Hell?!? Since I have gotten so good at asking myself "why?",( you know, in order to find out the real source of where my feelings are coming from- therapy reflective bullshit), I took a deep breath and asked myself, "why the hell would it bother me, to know that Carrie's stupid ass, boring girlfriend, would be wearing a bikini, that she still probably looks like crap in?Why does she bother me so damn much?" And even if, everyone, (not me- even though I wish I were so original), calls her Anita-makeover,or Anita-newhaircut, or even Anita-newwardrobe, it just bothers me that her and Carrie are still together.It bothers me that nita is active, and fit, and does things I don't do.It bothers me that she still makes Carrie happy, when I didn't.She has a career, she drives a motorcycle, she can wear a bikini , and she has Carrie, she got the girl, my girl...This stupid ass in a bikini, makes me regret so much again, and then I pitfall into a self conscious state, since:

A.You will not find me in a bikini, anytime soon, (if you ever will, with these small breastages, and this chub around my belly, like a hawaiian that had too much poi);

B.I will never be that "active and healthy-getting-up-early-to-play-sports", kind of chick;

C.and if it meant being any of the 2 above things in order to have Carrie back, I would probably find a way to fuck it up anyhow.

I remember when we were together, and it was really bad, and I was so fucked up and lost , and she had finally said to me, "you need to make a choice, Marlita.It's either coke or me." And I laughed in her face , and had said,"well, then it's coke...", and I really believed it at the time, b/c I thought the coke wasn't trying to "control" me...what a joke, what an idiot I was. So that is where this is all coming from.I feel so frustrated and angry.I feel weak, like I don't have the tools or the strength to do what I need to feel better, when things like this start.

I purposely faded this pic out, to hopefully get it through my fat, stupid, stubborn jealous head,that it's all in the past, and I GOTS to move on,me in a bathing suit and all...

"...we got too much time to kill like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around ever since I've been with you you hold me up all the time I've falling down But right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now i wish i could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives ..."

"faded pictures" case, Brian Mcknight,Everything But The Girl ( so true)

12:33 am - Friday, Aug. 01, 2003

feeling thoughtful

rain

Tonight, I am feel a little "romantical".

I just woke up from a nap, to the thunder and lightning outside.

I dream of some dark brunette who worked with me at the bar. I hate how my dreams get me a little wound up. I hate how lonely his time of the night can be.

listening to sade, "rain"patty griffin

5:26 pm - Wednesday, Jul. 30, 2003

feeling A'IGHT, so far

I feel okay today. I am up , I feel hopeful and free. I better appreciate this while it lasts

I put this pic in, because it was another time, I felt content, like I do today. Carrie and I had gone camping for Labor Day,on the beach.That picture was taken right before we left, the day after, so the beach was empty, and it was a little chilly, and she took the photo, while we were laughing since I was running around like a crazy person, trying to scare all the birds away.Wow, that was fun-We did the bonfire, she made smores, and we slept in a tent and all. I had a really great time with her.I think that was one of the last times we had fun together, ( since we broke up 6 mos later). We took a whole bunch of pictures, but this is just one of the ones, I can still bear to look at without too much pain or regret about that relationship. I don't want to ruin this good day with too much reflection about her and us, so I will just keep feeling hope, that everything is going to be alright.

"feeling good" nina simone,mark klaussen remix, "cascades of colour"ananda project remix

9:36 pm - Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2003

-

just thinking about the things that comfort me: black fine line pens and brand new notebooks christmas lights Big sweaters,thick socks, worn in jeans, and soft white tshirts that smell like my fabric softener the sun shining on clean wood floors and the smell of murphy's oil soap the fresh air coming into open windows when it's cold outside taste of mint chocolate chip ice cream smell of soap, after shave, and baby powder- or the lotion on her hands and face the sound of the rice cooker when it's ready the cool side of the pillow and knowing that you get to sleep in as it rains outside the soft and careful sounds of someone trying to be really quiet around you when you're sleeping driving or riding a bike at night/early morning when no one else is around walking for miles to a really good song

12:07 am - Sunday, Jul. 27, 2003

huh?

some dumb stuff, I am just trying to do...

There is a whole generation, with beats and rotation,

givin me inspiration

to try

and write what I know.

Power of words,

"urges will be merged"-

maybe just deferred

cajoled by a brain dead from blow.

Why can't I go and let it all flow

to disclose what I am trying to say.

I could go on a spiel,trying to reveal...but I can't seem to get back to point A.

I am confused still

cause this is tres difficile

(totally for real)

I don't know what I am even trying to get done.

I don't go to college, I ain't got the knowledge,hell I didn't even pass poetry 101

This is gettin me flustered, I am looking lacklustered,

starting to stutter, cause this is just too hard to try and do

I'mo just stop and come back to this later, stop being a faker and

just be a waiter

Cause when it comes to rhymes, I ain't got a clu

"go hard" q tip, "senorita" justin timberlake ( i love him), "close to you" sombionx and lindsay

7:44 pm - Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003

about raquel* croft and her nasty suburban friends

http://www.chixmixproductions.com/chixpix.html

btw

I never realized how other gay women could be so damn skanky and disgusting. These idiots go around, and try to sleep with and make out with any/every other girl who comes there way,like frat guys would, except for the most appalling fact that they are women- ugly, fat, and have no poise or womanly grace.I can already see what kind of girls these were in high school, probably "jock-y",sheltered, and just all around goofy, and now they think they have found their "place" in the world, because they can go out to bars, and be around other dorks like themselves, and call each other "playa".

It's so sick how I happened to meet some of these people. I feel like washing my hands a hundred times, just writing about these retards.I don't want to think that most lesbians are really this tacky. I have got to stop going out for a while. This is not the way I ever thought people would be like

"your child"+ "love no limit" may j blige,"it will rain"kelly price,"someone to love" ruff endz

4:20 pm - Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003

feeling worn out

maybe there is some hope left...

My head began to buzz, with all my usual choleric and angry feelings for this terrible place-I've chosen to wake up for, and try to barely scrape a living from.As I storm out of the building, i feel like you can see my footprints in the cement- I am so goddamn angry.My mind is lost, and swirling,and I am feeling hopeless and powerless and I am close to tears from all this of this disgust.I am nauseous with the necessity to find someplace else not as nearly revolting, just to eat, just as a means to get by.And I see the crack in the cup is getting bigger, and I feel the despair set in , as I really try to accept the fact that I haveto try to do something I am not comfortable with,be brave, and take whatever means necessary to find what it is I am supposed to be doing, because it certainly is not this. I begin to panic ...

I sit down on the bench, and inhale slowly.I feel the unseasonable chill in the air and look up at the bright blue sky. It feels like Fall, but it's only July, and somehow the air feels cleaner.A woman pushes her stroller next to me, and I hear hands clapping. I see chubby legs bouncing, and shining blue eyes that are peeking out at me from inside the stroller.I board the train, and sit across from an old man, whose worn down corduroy hat I pick up from the floor.He thanks me, puts it back on, and put his arm back around his sleeping grandson.I watch how every few minutes he pats his grandsons head while he looks out the window.I try to see myself in a girl's mirrored sunglasses from across the train.I try to see if I see someone broken. Instead I just see a woman,with her jaws clenched, but someone with the whole world still open, and full of opportunities.I am mindful of this moment ,how important it is, and how inessential everything else is , too. I just have to keep going.I am writing this to try to remember.

"a brighter day' kaskade,"hot bananas"scienz of life

8:30 pm - Monday, Jul. 21, 2003

feeling sleepy, and dreamy

dreams

Quick nap

I was driving drunk in someone's SUV, and I was too short to see over the dashboard. I had 2 people next to me, ( don't remember who), and I was making turns, and barely missing cars, and the brakes stopped working. Then we got to a house, where all my friends were, and then I switched up and got onto a motorcycle and started driving real fast up and down the hills which surrounded this friend's house. I remember feeling happy and free every time I would speed up, and pull on the throttle, going up, up, up...and then I woke up right before I was about to be pulled over

listening to Annie Lennox "Bare"

3:08 pm - Sunday, Jul. 20, 2003

man...

about her getting married... So, I heard that she's getting married in a less than a month- a small ceremony, and it's going to be in the suburbs.I try and remember when it was the last time I saw her, and it wil be almost a yr (Labor Day).

I was at the driving range yesterday, and I started thinking about her again, because I know she has been playing a lot of golf. I was with Julia,and I decided to tell her all about my long standing, unrequited love/drama for her,which lasted later into the night with many pitchers of sangrias,(from which I am painfully coping with today)and many more lovelorn confessions and wishes and regrets... and then Christine calls from California to tell me about her wedding.

I will not let this get to me- I will try not to get drunk and play sad r&b songs, that I have had in my heart for far too damn long, for her.

It's funny how I've kept myself believing that we would be together someday.I have wanted her from the first time I saw her, I had never seen such a brightness in someone's eyes like I did with her. We became friends, and we confided in each other and as much as I tried to just not think of her so much- I did more.And then it became too much and I got so scared, since I didn't know if I could ever give her what she really needed and ran the other way. And b/c of Chris, we came across each other again and again,and the same stuff would happen; we would hang out, stay in contact for a little while-share some late night phone calls again, and then lose touch, which I would be thankful for , so I could just not feel so godamn powerless again. It always seemed like the wrong time, the wrong place in my life to even try, and she would always be in a relationship...but I (maybe mistakenly)never let go of her, of my hope of us still ending up together, sometime, someday- when it was right for the both of us. I keep a picture of all of us, by my bed- I still look at it, I still hold her this close to my heart. All these love songs of wonder and hope and stillness, and sad places you never have to be in anymore, for her.She has been my dream, my hope-I don't want to let go still. I am still having trouble believing that she has moved on and trusted her heart with someone else.I won't stand up and fight,and make a scene, like in the movie "the graduate",I will leave it up to fate.And maybe fate is letting me know it really is time to dream another dream. "...If I had to do it over If I had to do it again I would've know to This would've never began If I made you claustrophobic Imagine if I gave you an inch You'll never notice But there's NoOne quite like you..." Maxwell

"ribbon in the sky' stevie wonder, "no one" maxwell, "you must have been" montell jordan

5:41 pm - Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003

about dating

I went out again with *Raquel last night. Hmmm...I don't know why I even bother. I don't want to spend any money on her,I really don't want to take the time out to get to know her, and I don't really know what to talk about with her.She is so young, and inexperienced, ( but thinks she isn't- the worst kind),her friends are dipshits- sheltered and suburban, and ( except for me), she's got hideous taste in girls.And so everytime we see each other, it turns into just more drinks, and making out ( which is nice, but not nearly enough for anything, except for more bad hangovers, and maybe a case of mono, which could also be the "best diet ever"!!!).If we hadn't waited this long, I may still have wanted to sleep with her, but thank god I didn't, since it would have really screwed up my perceptions and limits... But I have got to stop this dumb half ass kid stuff. I know what I want, I know what I don't want, why am I wasting my loneliness on this crappy back up plan?

Well, I guess it's just better that I know now. At least I never got obsessed, or too used to it.

So much for my summer of love...

(I still have a month left though)

"waiting"miguel migs,"it's you, it's me" kaskade

4:21 pm - Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003

deep thoughts

I am going to try and use this place for a new blog, since the "marlitasdaysofcolors" at blogspot was so unbearably hideous, and boring. I hope this comes out better. I hope I can actually let myself think freely and write on this new site.Let's see...

Things on my mind

Top siders

"Boat shoes", we used to call them.Those damn leather shoes,(sometimes in blue or black, but mostly in number 2 brown), with the white rubber bottoms, and the laces on the side. Those shoes were so big in the 80's, and there was this "preppy" phenomenon, when people used to wear them without socks, ( SICK ).

I think the espadrille, and the jelly shoe came soon after this tragedy...

I come into another state of panic about getting old, and un-hip.

So, in the last two days, I have seen men with top siders on.They were both guys in their twenties, so I am afraid to think the "trend" is back. I just bought a pair of super pointy shoes, saying that I would never revert and go back in time and buy shoes, from the 80's, that I wore when I was a kid- but damn it,they were really cool and on sale!So, I will focus,breathe in deeply, and exhale slowly, and then throw out these questions into the universe: Has my life come full circle now?Have we really run out of new ways of thinking? Was the 80's that long ago?And, most importantly, are boat shoes really coming back? I am scared. ( Hold me ) What troubled me also, when I saw the guy with boat shoes, while waiting for the EL, was his whole ensemble; He had the BLUE topsiders on: He was wearing a cute blk polo,black adidas shorts (?), blk bart simpson socks, with a bubble that said"eat my shorts", on each sock, to go with his boat shoes. I was like, HUH?!? Was he on acid, was I? What was that? Am I getting that old, and out of fashion, to really not understand his "look"?

"love plus one" haircut 100, "funkin for jamaica" tom browne